I dream most nights and often wake up with my head full of weird and wonderful nocturnal imaginings – friends out of context, me speaking random languages fluently, dreams driven by fear, and just occasionally dreams driven out of hope.
Many of my dreams are repetitive, one common dream I have experienced since childhood, involving a pigeon, a burglar alarm and an exploding house…. I can only imagine the fun an interpreter of dreams would have with that one.
Since Christmas I have started having another repetitive dream – 4 times so far and it is a rare dream built on hope. Quite simply I dream that GG is a fully functioning adult. It is a dream in more ways than one.
As with most parents, I imagined dreaming of my children’s graduation or wedding, adventures travelling the world or becoming a parent. Never did I imagine that dreaming of my child able to do the most basic things would be so far from reality.
In my dream GG is running, without falling. GG is riding a bike, on her own. GG is making a cup of tea, unaided. GG is holding a conversation and is understood. My GG as a neuro-typical adult, so simple and yet so impossible.
The sense of pleasure is indescribable, my heart bursts with joy. As often occurs with my dreams, the first few seconds after waking I continue to experience the joy, immersing myself in that fabulous image. Unlike most dreams however I come crashing down to earth with a bang. The beautiful image of the adult GG firmly engraved on my mind in the cruel light of day.
I don’t think I can ever fully accept GG’s situation, I know I will never stop hoping. The ‘if only’s’ persist and the dream is sticking its’ fingers up at the limited acceptance that I have managed to achieve.
Then, I look at my amazing GG as she wakes, the big grin as I go to lift her from her slumber, the excitement at a new day – oblivious to the 6 sleep seizures she had during the night.
I focus on the positives of my beautiful child who will never know the worries of a typical grown up. The child who I am certain will forever retain the fabulous belly laugh and infectious giggle. I turn my focus to my dream in the real world – that GG remains as happy as she is today despite the challenges she faces.
That is my true dream, my life’s mission – mission ‘Happy GG’ accepted with pleasure!